It's official, we are leaving for vacation in 5 days! Unless of course, all of the whackos are right when they say the apocolypse is going to happen today. (for the record, I highly doubt it. In my bible, it doesn't mention anything about the return of Christ happening 5/21/2011.) I keep thinking about this over and over in my head and undoubtably driving Amy nuts calling and asking her silly questions i.e. how much room is in the back of your van? This should be vacation for pete's sake and all I keep thinking about are the stupid details. Yeah, I'm nervous. I haven't seen them all in 10 years. I'm older, fatter, divorced and subsequently - wiser, I should think.
So here is the reservation I'm having: I spoke to my sister Cari yesterday and she wants to see me but only if my donor isn't around. Apparently last time she was there to see him she'd just had a baby and he commented that she'd gotten fat. Well I say piss on him! One derrogatory statement --- ONE and we're gone. There's a whole lot of Texas we can see and we are not under any obligation to stay there! I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt first though. They are making a huge to-do over our coming. Family reunion, bbq, boating, fishing, tubing...the works! I'm trying not to be discouraged but I am me, a notorious sabatoger.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
May 8, 2011
.....I haven't written in a bit so I thought maybe I should....
I had a fantastic Mother's day. My son and roomate took me fishing. ( Im not great at it but I know how to cast a line and take a fish off the hook. ) Total fish count: My son = 6, My roomate= 10, Me=1. I think it's a fish conspiracy.
Plans are going great for Memorial weekend. I'm so excited! My ex is going to let my son go with me out of state on HIS weekend. Yes, I know it's May and much too cold for snow but I swear it must be snowing in hell because he was actually NICE to me! I don't get it but I'm not complaining. This will be the first time in 10 years I've seen my dad's side of the family and only the second time actually getting to meet them. I'm not sure how exactly I feel about it. I mean, it was great when I thought we were just gonna go on a camping trip with my sister and maybe 2 of the brothers but now everything has changed and I have a little anxiety about it, to say the least. Let me clarify. For one thing, I am totally stoked that Ames is going with me! Secondly, I am excited to see the brothers and sisters. (there are 10 of us? or 11? It's still up in the air) 3. I need a vacation DESPERATELY! and camping is just my style. Here's the bad part. I don't really like my donor dad. He's not really a bad guy I guess. I don't know him really and every time I talk to him he just pisses me off more and more the way he TRIES to be my dad when he didn't try 32 years ago when my mom told him she was pregnant. I know, water under the bridge.... let sleeping dogs lie.....beating a dead horse. Yah yah. Whatever. I'm pissed. I hold grudges. I grew up an only child in an abusive home and I am pissed that he left me there and never even tried to come find me.
It's not that I don't want to go because believe me. It would take a natural disaster to keep me from leaving town on vacation, it's just that I don't really care if I see my donor. Maybe it makes me a shitty person for thinking, "wow, he has a lake house and i wont have to pay for anything" but really should I care? 18 years of missed child support, birthdays, christmas, graduation, tooth fairy --- I guess he doesn't OWE me but damnit, he does owe me. And if he wants to send me money to come down to see him and the others, well it would just be impolite and down right rude of me to not accept. Right? Yeah, I'm goin and I'm gonna have fun too. Does that make me wrong? Maybe, but I really, don't care. HA! Put that In your pipe and smoke it, DONOR!!
I had a fantastic Mother's day. My son and roomate took me fishing. ( Im not great at it but I know how to cast a line and take a fish off the hook. ) Total fish count: My son = 6, My roomate= 10, Me=1. I think it's a fish conspiracy.
Plans are going great for Memorial weekend. I'm so excited! My ex is going to let my son go with me out of state on HIS weekend. Yes, I know it's May and much too cold for snow but I swear it must be snowing in hell because he was actually NICE to me! I don't get it but I'm not complaining. This will be the first time in 10 years I've seen my dad's side of the family and only the second time actually getting to meet them. I'm not sure how exactly I feel about it. I mean, it was great when I thought we were just gonna go on a camping trip with my sister and maybe 2 of the brothers but now everything has changed and I have a little anxiety about it, to say the least. Let me clarify. For one thing, I am totally stoked that Ames is going with me! Secondly, I am excited to see the brothers and sisters. (there are 10 of us? or 11? It's still up in the air) 3. I need a vacation DESPERATELY! and camping is just my style. Here's the bad part. I don't really like my donor dad. He's not really a bad guy I guess. I don't know him really and every time I talk to him he just pisses me off more and more the way he TRIES to be my dad when he didn't try 32 years ago when my mom told him she was pregnant. I know, water under the bridge.... let sleeping dogs lie.....beating a dead horse. Yah yah. Whatever. I'm pissed. I hold grudges. I grew up an only child in an abusive home and I am pissed that he left me there and never even tried to come find me.
It's not that I don't want to go because believe me. It would take a natural disaster to keep me from leaving town on vacation, it's just that I don't really care if I see my donor. Maybe it makes me a shitty person for thinking, "wow, he has a lake house and i wont have to pay for anything" but really should I care? 18 years of missed child support, birthdays, christmas, graduation, tooth fairy --- I guess he doesn't OWE me but damnit, he does owe me. And if he wants to send me money to come down to see him and the others, well it would just be impolite and down right rude of me to not accept. Right? Yeah, I'm goin and I'm gonna have fun too. Does that make me wrong? Maybe, but I really, don't care. HA! Put that In your pipe and smoke it, DONOR!!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
spaghetti, men and boys.
So just a quickie...
The R just taught my son to suck a spaghetti noodle in his nose and out his mouth. Surely there is no long lasting affects of this snot noodle trick but as for me, I gagged. Ick!
The R just taught my son to suck a spaghetti noodle in his nose and out his mouth. Surely there is no long lasting affects of this snot noodle trick but as for me, I gagged. Ick!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Work
I applied for a job working in a diffrent department within the agency that I work for. I sent an email to my boss to let him know. I'm afraid he's gonna be pissed but it's a pretty big pay raise AND it's a Monday thru Friday day job, So......wish me luck that
a. The interview goes well
b. I actually get the job
c. My current boss doesn't get too mad and fire me in the mean time.
:) Oh, the joys of being an adult.
a. The interview goes well
b. I actually get the job
c. My current boss doesn't get too mad and fire me in the mean time.
:) Oh, the joys of being an adult.
SF-A
I really need someone to tell me how long it takes to get over the love of my life. It's been 2 years almost and I can't stop loving him. I have dated and sabatoged many relationships because no one could hold a candle to him. I saw SFA today in passing and I almost threw up. I miss him so much. He is everything to me. Yes, I know it's been two years but I still love him and I still wish things were diffrent. It has been the hardest 2 years of my life without him. Even worse than being married and going through a divorce because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is my soulmate. We love each other. I love him more than I knew was possible to love anyone. He made the whole world stop spinning when he smiled.
I suppose I really should back up and tell you the whole story.
Ok, I used to work for a small county department in the middle of the night. He worked for an agency that came to our office a lot for paperwork and misc other stuff related to the job ( that I'd rather not mention. I don't need everyone knowing where I work just yet although Im sure it will come out eventually.. office gossip *sigh*) Anyway, I was looking out my window into the lobby and I saw him come in. We exchanged glances a few times and I kept wondering where on earth I knew him from. After a few days of eyeballing each other I finally asked him his name and where he grew up. It was decided that we'd used to go to school together and he remembered me instantly. We became great friends. He was married and I was in a relationship so nothing bad was going on. We were just BEST friends. We discussed everything from family, to the weather, to work etc.... One day the topic came to "what if's". You know, "what if I wasnt married, What if I could do this or that" and how when you get older, relationships are all about quality, not so much quanity. I knew that I liked this man but would NEVER do anything to jeapordize a family but at that point I think I finally realized that he liked me too. I was a what if.
Things progressed from there. Negatively and positively. He and his wife had been having problems and she took off with their 8 month old baby and went to Missouri. It was bittersweet for him. On one hand, he was happy because she was gone and on the other hand he was sad because the baby was gone and he didn't know when or if he'd see her again. We dated and spent a lot of time together. Of course, I'd fallen in love with him and he with me long before we ever went out.
The day I knew I'd love him for the rest of my life was March 14, 2009. He came over to watch movies and spend some time together after my son went to bed. We were cuddled up on the couch and I remember looking down at his hands. They were beautiful. It's silly but they were. He grabbed my hand and put it in his shirt on his heart and said "do you feel that? Do you feel my heart? Its yours" I felt like I was in a soap opera. I cried. Right there in front of him I bawled like a baby and he held me and kissed my head over and over again. He said that he didnt know how it was all gonna work but it would.
Two days later he asked me to meet him in the park. Naturally I did. When I got there I saw that he was sittinng on the bench with his back facing the parking lot. When I got to him, I saw that he'd been crying. He told me that she came back and he didnt know what he was supposed to do. He loved me and he loved his daughter. As we sat in silence, I made the hardest decision of my life. I told him that I'd never ask anyone to choose me over their child. I ended it.
He asked me to wait for him. The baby is almost 3 years old now so I figure I have 15 more years to go but I will wait. However, if Vin Desil or Randy Orton should happen to come along and sweep me off my feet, well...no guarantees. I do love him with everything ounce of my being. So, what now?
I suppose I really should back up and tell you the whole story.
Ok, I used to work for a small county department in the middle of the night. He worked for an agency that came to our office a lot for paperwork and misc other stuff related to the job ( that I'd rather not mention. I don't need everyone knowing where I work just yet although Im sure it will come out eventually.. office gossip *sigh*) Anyway, I was looking out my window into the lobby and I saw him come in. We exchanged glances a few times and I kept wondering where on earth I knew him from. After a few days of eyeballing each other I finally asked him his name and where he grew up. It was decided that we'd used to go to school together and he remembered me instantly. We became great friends. He was married and I was in a relationship so nothing bad was going on. We were just BEST friends. We discussed everything from family, to the weather, to work etc.... One day the topic came to "what if's". You know, "what if I wasnt married, What if I could do this or that" and how when you get older, relationships are all about quality, not so much quanity. I knew that I liked this man but would NEVER do anything to jeapordize a family but at that point I think I finally realized that he liked me too. I was a what if.
Things progressed from there. Negatively and positively. He and his wife had been having problems and she took off with their 8 month old baby and went to Missouri. It was bittersweet for him. On one hand, he was happy because she was gone and on the other hand he was sad because the baby was gone and he didn't know when or if he'd see her again. We dated and spent a lot of time together. Of course, I'd fallen in love with him and he with me long before we ever went out.
The day I knew I'd love him for the rest of my life was March 14, 2009. He came over to watch movies and spend some time together after my son went to bed. We were cuddled up on the couch and I remember looking down at his hands. They were beautiful. It's silly but they were. He grabbed my hand and put it in his shirt on his heart and said "do you feel that? Do you feel my heart? Its yours" I felt like I was in a soap opera. I cried. Right there in front of him I bawled like a baby and he held me and kissed my head over and over again. He said that he didnt know how it was all gonna work but it would.
Two days later he asked me to meet him in the park. Naturally I did. When I got there I saw that he was sittinng on the bench with his back facing the parking lot. When I got to him, I saw that he'd been crying. He told me that she came back and he didnt know what he was supposed to do. He loved me and he loved his daughter. As we sat in silence, I made the hardest decision of my life. I told him that I'd never ask anyone to choose me over their child. I ended it.
He asked me to wait for him. The baby is almost 3 years old now so I figure I have 15 more years to go but I will wait. However, if Vin Desil or Randy Orton should happen to come along and sweep me off my feet, well...no guarantees. I do love him with everything ounce of my being. So, what now?
Monday, April 25, 2011
Design S.O.S.
I'm still trying to figure this all out and am apparently all thumbs. How do I post pics on my posts? How do I publish a play list?
I love the how customizeable it all is but need a little help. Please and thank you very much!
-K
I love the how customizeable it all is but need a little help. Please and thank you very much!
-K
Moving along....I suppose
So as of last week, I'm officially single. I guess I've been refusing to date because I was unsure where the boarders were with he and I. So...roomate and I had a good long talk. He knows that I love him and he says he loves me but we decided that under no circumstances, will we ever make it as a couple. Strangely enough, I'm ok with it. I told him he HAS to stop the petty lies. Of course he says it was all because he didnt want to hurt me but whatever. LOL! I was born at night but wasnt born last night! I willt always care for him deeply. He was my first love but I really have to move on.
With that being said, J is a no go. I've tried but still no spark. I need and deserve much better than just a mediocre relationship. Yeah, Im a fatty. I know that but damnit...Im a hot fatty and I know that too! It gets aggravating seeing ppl with missing teeth and nappy hair being with someone and I'm freakin normal and I cant find anyone! Everyone tells me when I stop looking I will find someone. Maybe so but riddle me this Batman, how long do I have to stop looking before it happens????
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and Ive decided that I'm just bad at relationships. I've been in a few and some say I sabatoge. But for what reason? I guess I will never know. Until I do, I'm gonna be ok with the single life. I have stuff to occupy my time. My son (summer is almost here so we will be camping and fishing and things of the sort), my daisy dog, plans to paint my kitchen a buttery yellow, plant flowers, get a tan, lose the next 20 lbs toward my goal, and try to be happy with all that.
My friend Rachel says if I list it he will come, so that's what im gonna do. :)
*In no particular order*
1. tall or tallish
2. Funny
3. Hard working- not just with potential to work but must actually HAVE a job.
4. Callused hands
5. No more than a casual drinker
6. Big guy - I like to feel surrounded when Im hugged
7. Not too abrasive but knows when to take control
8. Established aka - not living with mama. (unless medically necessary and can be subject to change)
9. Red neck or country-esque
10. Must love dogs or at least my daisy dog
11. I'd like for him to have a jeep or truck or at least aspire to. ;)
12. Must have all essential teeth and in good working order
13. Great hygeine (bathing at lease once a week, needed or not)
14. Must love me and my son b/c we ARE a package deal
15. Must be of the christian religion - no wiccans/ atheist / need apply
16. Must not be vegetarian or vegan (whatever that means...)
17. Absolutely NO VELCRO SHOES - it's in my policy book. See section 1090 ss 4 "Say no to velcro".
Of course, I may be a bit too picky but really, if I'm gonna dream, might as well dream big. Right????
With that being said, J is a no go. I've tried but still no spark. I need and deserve much better than just a mediocre relationship. Yeah, Im a fatty. I know that but damnit...Im a hot fatty and I know that too! It gets aggravating seeing ppl with missing teeth and nappy hair being with someone and I'm freakin normal and I cant find anyone! Everyone tells me when I stop looking I will find someone. Maybe so but riddle me this Batman, how long do I have to stop looking before it happens????
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and Ive decided that I'm just bad at relationships. I've been in a few and some say I sabatoge. But for what reason? I guess I will never know. Until I do, I'm gonna be ok with the single life. I have stuff to occupy my time. My son (summer is almost here so we will be camping and fishing and things of the sort), my daisy dog, plans to paint my kitchen a buttery yellow, plant flowers, get a tan, lose the next 20 lbs toward my goal, and try to be happy with all that.
My friend Rachel says if I list it he will come, so that's what im gonna do. :)
*In no particular order*
1. tall or tallish
2. Funny
3. Hard working- not just with potential to work but must actually HAVE a job.
4. Callused hands
5. No more than a casual drinker
6. Big guy - I like to feel surrounded when Im hugged
7. Not too abrasive but knows when to take control
8. Established aka - not living with mama. (unless medically necessary and can be subject to change)
9. Red neck or country-esque
10. Must love dogs or at least my daisy dog
11. I'd like for him to have a jeep or truck or at least aspire to. ;)
12. Must have all essential teeth and in good working order
13. Great hygeine (bathing at lease once a week, needed or not)
14. Must love me and my son b/c we ARE a package deal
15. Must be of the christian religion - no wiccans/ atheist / need apply
16. Must not be vegetarian or vegan (whatever that means...)
17. Absolutely NO VELCRO SHOES - it's in my policy book. See section 1090 ss 4 "Say no to velcro".
Of course, I may be a bit too picky but really, if I'm gonna dream, might as well dream big. Right????
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