Monday, April 25, 2011

Design S.O.S.

I'm still trying to figure this all out and am apparently all thumbs.  How do I post pics on my posts? How do I publish a play list? 

I love the how customizeable it all is but need a little help.  Please and thank you very much!


Moving along....I suppose

So as of  last week, I'm officially single. I guess I've been refusing to date because I was unsure where the boarders were with he and I. So...roomate and I had a good long talk.  He knows that I love him and he says he loves me but we decided that under no circumstances, will we ever make it as a couple.  Strangely enough,  I'm ok with it.  I told him he HAS to stop the petty lies.  Of course he says it was all because he didnt want to hurt me but whatever. LOL!  I was born at night but wasnt born last night! I willt always care for him deeply.  He was my first love but I really have to move on. 

With that being said, J is a no go.  I've tried but still no spark.  I need and deserve much better than just a mediocre relationship.  Yeah, Im a fatty.  I know that but damnit...Im a hot fatty and I know that too! It gets aggravating seeing ppl with missing teeth and nappy hair being with someone and I'm freakin normal and I cant find anyone!  Everyone tells me when I stop looking I will find someone.  Maybe so but riddle me this Batman, how long do I have to stop looking before it happens????

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and Ive decided that I'm just bad at relationships.  I've been in a few and some say I sabatoge.  But for what reason? I guess I will never know.  Until I do, I'm gonna be ok with the single life.  I have stuff to occupy my time.  My son (summer is almost here so we will be camping and fishing and things of the sort), my daisy dog, plans to paint my kitchen a buttery yellow, plant flowers, get a tan, lose the next 20 lbs toward my goal, and try to be happy with all that.

My friend Rachel says if I list it he will come, so that's what im gonna do. :)

*In no particular order*

1. tall or tallish
2. Funny
3. Hard working- not just with potential to work but must actually HAVE a job.
4. Callused hands
5. No more than a casual drinker
6. Big guy - I like to feel surrounded when Im hugged
7. Not too abrasive but knows when to take control
8. Established aka - not living with mama. (unless medically necessary and can be subject to change)
9. Red neck or country-esque
10. Must love dogs or at least my daisy dog
11. I'd like for him to have a jeep or truck or at least aspire to. ;)
12. Must have all essential teeth and in good working order
13. Great hygeine (bathing at lease once a week, needed or not)
14. Must love me and my son b/c we ARE a package deal
15. Must be of the christian religion - no wiccans/ atheist / need apply
16. Must not be vegetarian or vegan (whatever that means...)
17. Absolutely NO VELCRO SHOES - it's in my policy book. See section 1090 ss 4 "Say no to velcro".

Of course,  I may be a bit too picky but really,  if I'm gonna dream, might as well dream big.  Right???? 

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Well, for starters...I somehow lost my profile for awhile.  Yes, Only I could do something that dumb.  Secondly, I'm on my computer at work and someone has picked the "t" button off the keyboard.  I never knew how much I pressed that button til I started getting cramps in my finger from mashing the rubber thing.  OY!  Please disregard Typos! :)

Alot has gone on in the last six months or so.  I have the love of my life sleeping on my couch.  It really is a weird deal... He moved back here from up north to be with me but when he got here, decided that he just couldnt.  I dont know if its just because im fat or what.  He swears it's not.  Claiming he's afraid he'll mess up and will lose me and he can't lose his BEST friend in the world again.  Whatever...I'm calling "bullshit" on that one but who knows...he may be telling the truth?  He gets insanely jealous when I date other people and even went so far as to make a very obvious "cock block" at a bar one night by asking a guy that I was talking to, where he was from and announcing very loudly that he loves me and how he's my best friend" and lives with me.  (We will call him "R" for roommate.) I do love him to a fault.  I let him walk all over me, lie to me, live at my house for free, pay his cell phone bill and most recently; his truck payment since he lost his job. Yes, I know what he's doing.  I've been through this before. I was married for 10 years to a guy that never worked and so on...

Anyhow, I feel like I'm at a complete crossroads.  I have one guy "J" that seems to be nice enough and is more my type than "R" but there is not alot of spark, and there is "R" who I freakin light up like the 4th of July when he's around.  R is funny and just fun in general.  We laugh and have a great time.  J is more dry sense of humor and more serious.  He has his stuff together and knows what he wants in life.  R, well he's emotionally unavailable.  Father of 5 kids (which he is behind on his child support and about to lose his license for), scrawny and unemployed as of 2 weeks ago.  Why am I even questioning this???  Easy answer right?  NO!  It really isn't.  I've known R since I was 9 years old.   He was my first kiss and my first love.  We've always been a constant in each others life.  When things got bad in my marriage, he was there.  We'd inadvertantly bump into each other....Fate??  Who's to say????

R has amazing eyes and an outstanding sense of humor.  He keeps me laughing constantly.  Water fights in the house, goosing and grabbing.  Sexual tension through the roof!  Yes, we did sleep together when in HS and once a few weeks ago.  It was odd...not because of the physical part but I had a date that night.  I was gonna cancel and spend time with R but he insisted.  Date with J was great.  Came home and R was waiting up saying how he looked in my room every hr to see if i was there or not and was worried. Long story short, he was a jealous freak for days and made me feel like it to.  Telling me about going to see a stripper friend of his etc...and all I could think of is, Does he know how close he is to losing me?  Again?  He's stubborn.  He says he loves me and my son very much.  Why wont he just give in and fall in love with me?

Date #3 with J and R called...I immeditely kicked J out of the car and booked it back home to be with R who wasnt even there when I got home!

I"m sick of being like this.  I don't want to think about R anymore, I dont want to love him anymore.  I want to let go and move on.  I'm just not sure I'm ready. 

mobile blogger?

Hmmm maybe. This could be easier than typing on the jacked up laptop with the missing "t" button.