Well, for starters...I somehow lost my profile for awhile.  Yes, Only I could do something that dumb.  Secondly, I'm on my computer at work and someone has picked the "t" button off the keyboard.  I never knew how much I pressed that button til I started getting cramps in my finger from mashing the rubber thing.  OY!  Please disregard Typos! :)

Alot has gone on in the last six months or so.  I have the love of my life sleeping on my couch.  It really is a weird deal... He moved back here from up north to be with me but when he got here, decided that he just couldnt.  I dont know if its just because im fat or what.  He swears it's not.  Claiming he's afraid he'll mess up and will lose me and he can't lose his BEST friend in the world again.  Whatever...I'm calling "bullshit" on that one but who knows...he may be telling the truth?  He gets insanely jealous when I date other people and even went so far as to make a very obvious "cock block" at a bar one night by asking a guy that I was talking to, where he was from and announcing very loudly that he loves me and how he's my best friend" and lives with me.  (We will call him "R" for roommate.) I do love him to a fault.  I let him walk all over me, lie to me, live at my house for free, pay his cell phone bill and most recently; his truck payment since he lost his job. Yes, I know what he's doing.  I've been through this before. I was married for 10 years to a guy that never worked and so on...

Anyhow, I feel like I'm at a complete crossroads.  I have one guy "J" that seems to be nice enough and is more my type than "R" but there is not alot of spark, and there is "R" who I freakin light up like the 4th of July when he's around.  R is funny and just fun in general.  We laugh and have a great time.  J is more dry sense of humor and more serious.  He has his stuff together and knows what he wants in life.  R, well he's emotionally unavailable.  Father of 5 kids (which he is behind on his child support and about to lose his license for), scrawny and unemployed as of 2 weeks ago.  Why am I even questioning this???  Easy answer right?  NO!  It really isn't.  I've known R since I was 9 years old.   He was my first kiss and my first love.  We've always been a constant in each others life.  When things got bad in my marriage, he was there.  We'd inadvertantly bump into each other....Fate??  Who's to say????

R has amazing eyes and an outstanding sense of humor.  He keeps me laughing constantly.  Water fights in the house, goosing and grabbing.  Sexual tension through the roof!  Yes, we did sleep together when in HS and once a few weeks ago.  It was odd...not because of the physical part but I had a date that night.  I was gonna cancel and spend time with R but he insisted.  Date with J was great.  Came home and R was waiting up saying how he looked in my room every hr to see if i was there or not and was worried. Long story short, he was a jealous freak for days and made me feel like it to.  Telling me about going to see a stripper friend of his etc...and all I could think of is, Does he know how close he is to losing me?  Again?  He's stubborn.  He says he loves me and my son very much.  Why wont he just give in and fall in love with me?

Date #3 with J and R called...I immeditely kicked J out of the car and booked it back home to be with R who wasnt even there when I got home!

I"m sick of being like this.  I don't want to think about R anymore, I dont want to love him anymore.  I want to let go and move on.  I'm just not sure I'm ready.