Saturday, June 11, 2011

Song for the day....Snuff.

****No, I'm not ordinarily a SlipKnot fan but I absolutely LOVE-- Love this song.  It fits my life perfectly!*

Bury all your secrets in my skin.
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins.
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...

So if you love me, let me go.
And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care.
I can't destroy what isn't there.

Deliver me into my Fate -
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you...
Ooh, my smile was taken long ago,
If I can change I hope I never know.

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss.
I couldn't face a life without your light,
But all of that was ripped apart, when you refused to fight.

So save your breath, I will not care.
I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love.
Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren't my friend.
Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a Saint...
Ooh, my own was banished long ago,
It took the Death of Hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul.
You never needed any help...
You sold me out to save yourself...

And I won't listen to your shame.
You ran away, you're all the same.
Angels lie to keep control...
Ooh, my love was punished long ago,
If you still care, don't ever let me know...
If you still care, don't ever let me know...

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Texas Vacation, Needing change and Douche bag roomate...

I sure didn't want to come home from vacation but I really didn't have much choice except to go back to reality.  Back to this place I HAVE to work at and back home to a roommate that is sponging off of me.  I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere really fast.  I'm miserable at my job.  I'm hating the leech that's occupying my couch and my life.  I want to run away from everyone and everything..... Move somewhere no one knows me or my pseudo- reputation.  Maybe it's depression?  Maybe I just need a man in my life, one good one to prove to me that not ALL men are douches.  I need to feel human again, whatever that means. 

I hate, HATE,  HATE my job. Not necessarily the title or duties but the department in general.  I hate feeling belittled and less than everyone else.  I hate rumors and gossip.  I hate working with women who gossip. I hate working with people that know EVERYTHING even when they don't.  I hate the color of the walls and the sound of the phone here.  I hate damn near everything about the administrative part of this stupid place.  I know I should be grateful that I have a job.  I should thank God for the roof over my head that he's provided me and the food on my table but right now, I'd be grateful to clean up bloody crime scene's or flip burgers at the Mack Shack.  Anything but here. 

Oh and the roommate?....Let's just say that since he's lived with me, (will be 1 year in August) He's paid me a total of $244.00....Yep, that's right.  $244 for a whole year's rent, electric, water, food, CELL PHONE, TRUCK PAYMENT,  toiletries --- you name it!  So when I was in Texas, he was supposed to pay the electric bill.  Didn't.  I ended up paying it.  He said he'd pay the cell phone bill.  Didn't do that either.  No groceries nothing.  What did he do you might ask?  He got a new tattoo.  He got the window's tinted in his truck.  Took his girlfriend out to dinner.  Bought himself a prepaid cell phone so he wouldn't be without a phone and left me with nothing! No groceries, no gas, no money.  NOTHING!  and I've supported his ass for months and months and months while he was unemployed. Yes, I know what I need to do.  I'm trying to get him out.  I'm just too nice. 

I left him a note taped to the TV with duck tape.  I told him to grow up and take care of his responsibilities and quit lying to me.  (did i mention that he told me to my face that he had paid the cell phone bill and the phones would be back on in a few Min's and they never were?)  And various other really mean things.  I know what will happen now.  He's gonna either cry and apologize and pay the damn bill or he's gonna have his shit out of my house by the time I get off work.  Either way you look at it, I win.  I'm probably going to have to be without a phone until I get paid, but on the bright side, he wont be there to occupy space and make a mess out of my life and my house. 


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The boardwalk beast

Dearest Amy (aka my road trip partner in crime, aka MMS slug bugger, aka peach daquiri diva),

I was thinking.  Yes, dangerous...Im aware. Since we will be down south from Thursday to Monday, what do you say we take a 2 hr drive south to Kemah beach?  It's in Galveston. There is a little thing I've been dying to do since I heard about it.  It's called ----wait for it.... wait for it.....wait for it.....

The Boardwalk Beast

what is the beast you might ask;'s a 25 minute ride out into Galveston bay on a huge speed boat. You get wet, sun burned, lots of music and dancing and kids are welcome.  (As well as old folks who may need a wheel chair :) 15.00 a person.  Whatcha think?? I dont know about you but I don't get the chance to go to ocean very often and we'll only be around 100 miles from it.  *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* followed by a big CHEESY grin.  You know you wanna....if you're still not sure, see pics below:

Monday, May 23, 2011


If it weren't enough for my boss the hours I ALREADY worked,  he decided that I should be "ordered" to stay over in the morning due to someone callling in sick.  I have worked way too many hrs this week and then to top it off, I didn't get more than 3 hrs of sleep today due to the weather.  (Gotta love living in tornado alley!).  Im just really frustrated that no one else would answer the phone when he called them and he then decided to text me,  knowing full well that I'd recieve it.  It's just not fair and I'm gonna whine about it.  Damnit! I didnt mind working alll the OT they would give me when I was on days but not night shift. 

And the other issue here is that my best friend is the one that called in sick.  Again.  I don't know if she's really sick or not.  I mean, yeah she has health problems and pretty bad ones to boot but when you get shafted on your schedule week after week, one tends to think the worst of even the best people.  I told her the other day when I had to work the 20 hr shift, that I wasn't mad at her but she better go to the hospital and guess what....she didn't!  Instead she chose to lay in her bed and text me about how bad she felt when i havent slept more than 2 or 3 hrs in 72 hours. In this line of work, it's dangerous to go without sleep.  I'm responsible for too many people's lives to be nodding off!  

Maybe I just really am burned out.  

On another note, the donor came through (didnt think he would...AMAZING) and sent me some money to come down there on.  AND...hold you hats ppl...the roomate is giving me money tomorroww to pay some bills!  I thought armagedon had actually came and the idiot who predicted it was just wrong on his mathematics!  Maybe, just maybe, the talk we had last week worked...this will be 2 weeks in a row he's given me money.  Whoooaaaa....things may be looking up on the home front. :)

Did I mention....Im crabby?

Today is Monday morning at 2:09.  Since my Monday (aka Thursday) I have worked the following schedule:

Sunday 2300-0700 = 8
Monday 2300-0700 = 8
Thursday 2300-1100 = 8 hrs
Friday 1900-0700 = 12 hrs
Saturday 1900 -1200 = 16 hrs
Sunday 2300-0300 = 4 hrs
Monday (if no one calls in...) 2300-0900 = 9 hrs

That is 64 hours in 7 days.  Maybe im whiney but Im freakin burned out.  I want to sleep in my own bed, cook my own dinner and for pete's sake - piss in my own toilet!  Is that too much to ask?????

I'm exhausted.  Beat. Whooped. Dying for vacation.  Only three more days til Texas!!!

The big question

Trying to play catch up on my blog but they guys wont quit running crap....AAArrrrggggghhhh!  I love my job! least that's what I keep telling myself.  However, there was a time in my life where I truly did love my job.  I looked forward to going to work every day and even did so on my days off if things got busy or I was bored and my son was at his dads.  You might think I'm crazy but I really did love it.  I loved the people that I was working with and the responsibilities that I had made me feel important and "in charge" so to speak.  People trusted me and did what I instructed them to do without question because they knew I'd keep them safe.  Here is not the case...Im just another Bitch in the dungeon or a voice on the squawk box. I'm sick of being treated like crap on  a daily basis. 

Here is the dilema:  I heard that the old job that I left this one for is hiring again.  I hate this agency.  I hate the way that people are treated here and I hate the hours.  But the old agency is a $200 per month pay cut.  That isnt much to some people I guess but it's huge to me.  I want to go back so bad I can't stand it but can I really  afford to take the loss?  I'm not so sure. 

I know the major problem is the "roomate", the one that doesn't pay the bills and takes up space and makes a mess.  Since August he has officially paid $100 toward our cell phone bill and just last week, gave me $144.00 that he told me to pay the water bill and electric bill with...HA!  If he only knew that it wasn't a drop in the bucket.  Water bill was 72.00 and the elec bill (2 months worth, mind you...i've been in a financial crisis) was $277.00.  Then had the nerve to tell me that he'd just get what was left from me on Saturday!!!!  BAHAhA!!!!   I paid the water bill and put gas in my car then bought some groceries. There was nothing left.

Yes, I know.  I need to kick his ass to the curb.  Im just a softie, a pushover, a rug, doormat....truly I'm a messed up person.  I have the doormat syndrome.  I need to feel needed - even if it means people using me.  I told him last week, since he had a job, he could make it a monthly thing- paying the electric and water since he doesnt pay rent.  We'll see if he continues to give me money.  I'm not holding my breath but I told him that i'm sick of putting myself and my son last just so I can help him financially and i will not do it anymore and challenged him to find a place to live cheaper and with the same comforts he gets with me.  I cook, do his laundry, pay his cell phone, have paid his truck pmt and what does he do with his money?  Goes out partying and drinking and God only knows what else.  I'm fed up.   

Sunday, May 22, 2011

I'm a list maker....It's what I do. :)

1. Clothing for me:
     a. swim shorts (no, I will not be caught dead in a bathing suit)
     b. jeans and nice shirt, in case we go out.
     c. capris
     d. flip flops (black and red?)
2.  Makeup
3.  Hair dryer
4. Straightener
5. Curling iron
6. Shampoo
7. Deoderant
8. Body Wash
9. Razor
10. Tooth brush /paste
11. Sun screen
12. Bug spray
13. Air Mattress
14. Pillows
15. Blanket
16. Road trip snacks
     a. beef jerkey
     b. sunflower seeds
     c. cheese crackers
     d. gummy worms

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Excited .....Nervous.... Confused?

It's official,  we are leaving for vacation in 5 days!  Unless of course, all of the whackos are right when they say the apocolypse is going to happen today.  (for the record, I highly doubt it. In my bible, it doesn't mention anything about the return of Christ happening 5/21/2011.)  I keep thinking about this over and over in my head and undoubtably driving Amy nuts calling and asking her silly questions i.e. how much room is in the back of your van?  This should be vacation for pete's sake and all I keep thinking about are the stupid details.  Yeah, I'm nervous.  I haven't seen them all in 10 years.  I'm older, fatter, divorced and subsequently - wiser, I should think. 

So here is the reservation I'm having: I spoke to my sister Cari yesterday and she wants to see me but only if my donor isn't around.  Apparently last time she was there to see him she'd just had a baby and he commented that she'd gotten fat. Well I say piss on him!  One derrogatory statement --- ONE and we're gone.  There's a whole lot of Texas we can see and we are not under any obligation to stay there!  I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt first though.  They are making a huge to-do over our coming.  Family reunion, bbq, boating, fishing, tubing...the works!  I'm trying not to be discouraged but I am me, a notorious sabatoger.

Monday, May 9, 2011

May 8, 2011

                          .....I haven't written in a bit so I thought maybe I should....

I had a fantastic Mother's day.  My son and roomate took me fishing. ( Im not great at it but I know how to cast a line and take a fish off the hook. )  Total fish count:  My son = 6,   My roomate= 10,  Me=1.  I think it's a fish conspiracy. 

Plans are going great for Memorial weekend.  I'm so excited!  My ex is going to let my son go with me out of state on HIS weekend.  Yes,  I know it's May and much too cold for snow but I swear it must be snowing in hell because he was actually NICE to me!  I don't get it but I'm not complaining.  This will be the first time in 10 years I've seen my dad's side of the family and only the second time actually getting to meet them.  I'm not sure how exactly I feel about it.  I mean, it was great when I thought we were just gonna go on a camping trip with my sister and maybe 2 of the  brothers but now everything has changed and I have a little anxiety about it, to say the least.  Let me clarify.  For one thing,  I am totally stoked that Ames is going with me!  Secondly, I am excited to see the brothers and sisters.  (there are 10 of us?  or 11?  It's still up in the air) 3.  I need a vacation DESPERATELY! and camping is just my style.  Here's the bad part.  I don't really like my donor dad.  He's not really a bad guy I guess.  I don't know him really and every time I talk to him he just pisses me off more and more the way he TRIES to be my dad when he didn't try 32 years ago when my mom told him she was pregnant.  I know, water under the bridge.... let sleeping dogs lie.....beating a dead horse. Yah yah.  Whatever.  I'm pissed.  I hold grudges.  I grew up an only child in an abusive home and I am pissed that he left me there and never even tried to come find me. 

It's not that I don't want to go because believe me.  It would take a natural disaster to keep me from leaving town on vacation, it's just that I don't really care if I see my donor.  Maybe it makes me a shitty person for thinking, "wow, he has a lake house and i wont have to pay for anything"  but really should I care?  18 years of missed child support, birthdays, christmas, graduation, tooth fairy --- I guess he doesn't OWE me but damnit, he does owe me.  And if he wants to send me money to come down to see him and the others, well it would just be impolite and down right rude of me to not accept.  Right?  Yeah, I'm goin and I'm gonna have fun too.  Does that make me wrong?  Maybe, but I really, don't care.  HA! Put that In your pipe and smoke it, DONOR!!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

spaghetti, men and boys.

So just a quickie...

The R just taught my son to suck a spaghetti noodle in his nose and out his mouth. Surely there is no long lasting affects of this snot noodle trick but as for me, I gagged. Ick!

Monday, May 2, 2011


I applied for a job working in a diffrent department within the agency that I work for.  I sent an email to my boss to let him know.  I'm afraid he's gonna be pissed but it's a pretty big pay raise AND it's a Monday thru Friday day job, So......wish me luck that

        a. The interview goes well
        b. I actually get the job
        c.  My current boss doesn't get too mad and fire me in the mean time.

:) Oh, the joys of being an adult. 


 I really need someone to tell me how long it takes to get over the love of  my life.  It's been 2 years almost and I can't stop loving him.  I have dated and sabatoged many relationships because no one could hold a candle to him.   I saw SFA today in passing and I almost threw up.  I miss him so much.  He is everything to me.  Yes, I know it's been two years but I still love him and I still wish things were diffrent.  It has been the hardest 2 years of my life without him.  Even worse than being married and going through a divorce because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is my soulmate. We love each other.  I love him more than I knew was possible to love anyone.  He made the whole world stop spinning when he smiled. 

I suppose I really should back up and tell you the whole story. 

Ok, I used to work for a small county department in the middle of the night.  He worked for an agency that came to our office a lot for paperwork and misc other stuff related to the job ( that I'd rather not mention.  I don't need everyone knowing where I work just yet although Im sure it will come out eventually.. office gossip *sigh*)  Anyway, I was looking out my window into the lobby and I saw him come in.  We exchanged glances a few times and I kept wondering where on earth I knew him from.  After a few days of eyeballing each other I finally asked him his name and where he grew up. It was decided that we'd used to go to school together and he remembered me instantly.  We became great friends.  He was married and I was in a relationship so nothing bad was going on.  We were just BEST friends.  We discussed everything from family, to the weather, to work etc....  One day the topic came to "what if's". You know, "what if I wasnt married, What if I could do this or that"  and how when you get older, relationships  are all about quality, not so much quanity. I knew that I liked this man but would NEVER do anything to jeapordize a family but at that point I think I finally realized that he liked me too.  I was a what if. 

Things progressed from there.  Negatively and positively.  He and his wife had been having problems and she took off with their 8 month old baby and went to Missouri.  It was bittersweet for him.  On one hand, he was happy because she was gone and on the other hand he was sad because the baby was gone and he didn't know when or if  he'd see her again.  We dated and spent a lot of time together.  Of course, I'd fallen in love with him and he with me long before we ever went out. 

The day I knew I'd love him for the rest of my life was March 14, 2009.  He came over to watch movies and spend some time together after my son went to bed.  We were cuddled up on the couch and I remember looking down at his hands.  They were beautiful.  It's silly but they were.  He grabbed my hand and put it in his shirt on his heart and said "do you feel that?  Do you feel my heart?  Its yours"  I felt like I was in a soap opera.  I cried.  Right there in front of him I bawled like a baby and he held me and kissed my head over and over again.  He said that he didnt know how it was all gonna work but it would. 

Two days later he asked me to meet him in the park. Naturally I did.  When I got there I saw that  he was sittinng on the bench with his back facing the parking lot.  When I got to him, I saw that he'd been crying.  He told me that she came back and he didnt know what he was supposed to do.  He loved me and he loved his daughter.  As we sat in silence, I made the hardest decision of my life.  I told him that I'd never ask anyone to choose me over their child.  I ended it.

He asked me to wait for him.  The baby is almost 3 years old now so I figure I have 15 more years to go but I will wait.  However, if Vin Desil or Randy Orton should happen to come along and sweep me off my feet, guarantees.  I do love him with everything ounce of my being. So, what now? 

Monday, April 25, 2011

Design S.O.S.

I'm still trying to figure this all out and am apparently all thumbs.  How do I post pics on my posts? How do I publish a play list? 

I love the how customizeable it all is but need a little help.  Please and thank you very much!


Moving along....I suppose

So as of  last week, I'm officially single. I guess I've been refusing to date because I was unsure where the boarders were with he and I. So...roomate and I had a good long talk.  He knows that I love him and he says he loves me but we decided that under no circumstances, will we ever make it as a couple.  Strangely enough,  I'm ok with it.  I told him he HAS to stop the petty lies.  Of course he says it was all because he didnt want to hurt me but whatever. LOL!  I was born at night but wasnt born last night! I willt always care for him deeply.  He was my first love but I really have to move on. 

With that being said, J is a no go.  I've tried but still no spark.  I need and deserve much better than just a mediocre relationship.  Yeah, Im a fatty.  I know that but damnit...Im a hot fatty and I know that too! It gets aggravating seeing ppl with missing teeth and nappy hair being with someone and I'm freakin normal and I cant find anyone!  Everyone tells me when I stop looking I will find someone.  Maybe so but riddle me this Batman, how long do I have to stop looking before it happens????

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and Ive decided that I'm just bad at relationships.  I've been in a few and some say I sabatoge.  But for what reason? I guess I will never know.  Until I do, I'm gonna be ok with the single life.  I have stuff to occupy my time.  My son (summer is almost here so we will be camping and fishing and things of the sort), my daisy dog, plans to paint my kitchen a buttery yellow, plant flowers, get a tan, lose the next 20 lbs toward my goal, and try to be happy with all that.

My friend Rachel says if I list it he will come, so that's what im gonna do. :)

*In no particular order*

1. tall or tallish
2. Funny
3. Hard working- not just with potential to work but must actually HAVE a job.
4. Callused hands
5. No more than a casual drinker
6. Big guy - I like to feel surrounded when Im hugged
7. Not too abrasive but knows when to take control
8. Established aka - not living with mama. (unless medically necessary and can be subject to change)
9. Red neck or country-esque
10. Must love dogs or at least my daisy dog
11. I'd like for him to have a jeep or truck or at least aspire to. ;)
12. Must have all essential teeth and in good working order
13. Great hygeine (bathing at lease once a week, needed or not)
14. Must love me and my son b/c we ARE a package deal
15. Must be of the christian religion - no wiccans/ atheist / need apply
16. Must not be vegetarian or vegan (whatever that means...)
17. Absolutely NO VELCRO SHOES - it's in my policy book. See section 1090 ss 4 "Say no to velcro".

Of course,  I may be a bit too picky but really,  if I'm gonna dream, might as well dream big.  Right???? 

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Well, for starters...I somehow lost my profile for awhile.  Yes, Only I could do something that dumb.  Secondly, I'm on my computer at work and someone has picked the "t" button off the keyboard.  I never knew how much I pressed that button til I started getting cramps in my finger from mashing the rubber thing.  OY!  Please disregard Typos! :)

Alot has gone on in the last six months or so.  I have the love of my life sleeping on my couch.  It really is a weird deal... He moved back here from up north to be with me but when he got here, decided that he just couldnt.  I dont know if its just because im fat or what.  He swears it's not.  Claiming he's afraid he'll mess up and will lose me and he can't lose his BEST friend in the world again.  Whatever...I'm calling "bullshit" on that one but who knows...he may be telling the truth?  He gets insanely jealous when I date other people and even went so far as to make a very obvious "cock block" at a bar one night by asking a guy that I was talking to, where he was from and announcing very loudly that he loves me and how he's my best friend" and lives with me.  (We will call him "R" for roommate.) I do love him to a fault.  I let him walk all over me, lie to me, live at my house for free, pay his cell phone bill and most recently; his truck payment since he lost his job. Yes, I know what he's doing.  I've been through this before. I was married for 10 years to a guy that never worked and so on...

Anyhow, I feel like I'm at a complete crossroads.  I have one guy "J" that seems to be nice enough and is more my type than "R" but there is not alot of spark, and there is "R" who I freakin light up like the 4th of July when he's around.  R is funny and just fun in general.  We laugh and have a great time.  J is more dry sense of humor and more serious.  He has his stuff together and knows what he wants in life.  R, well he's emotionally unavailable.  Father of 5 kids (which he is behind on his child support and about to lose his license for), scrawny and unemployed as of 2 weeks ago.  Why am I even questioning this???  Easy answer right?  NO!  It really isn't.  I've known R since I was 9 years old.   He was my first kiss and my first love.  We've always been a constant in each others life.  When things got bad in my marriage, he was there.  We'd inadvertantly bump into each other....Fate??  Who's to say????

R has amazing eyes and an outstanding sense of humor.  He keeps me laughing constantly.  Water fights in the house, goosing and grabbing.  Sexual tension through the roof!  Yes, we did sleep together when in HS and once a few weeks ago.  It was odd...not because of the physical part but I had a date that night.  I was gonna cancel and spend time with R but he insisted.  Date with J was great.  Came home and R was waiting up saying how he looked in my room every hr to see if i was there or not and was worried. Long story short, he was a jealous freak for days and made me feel like it to.  Telling me about going to see a stripper friend of his etc...and all I could think of is, Does he know how close he is to losing me?  Again?  He's stubborn.  He says he loves me and my son very much.  Why wont he just give in and fall in love with me?

Date #3 with J and R called...I immeditely kicked J out of the car and booked it back home to be with R who wasnt even there when I got home!

I"m sick of being like this.  I don't want to think about R anymore, I dont want to love him anymore.  I want to let go and move on.  I'm just not sure I'm ready. 

mobile blogger?

Hmmm maybe. This could be easier than typing on the jacked up laptop with the missing "t" button.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Introduction post

I suppose this is where a blog begins.  Introductions are nice I but nothing too personal for me at first anyway.  So, like most people here, I have a story to tell,  a situation to gripe about, or just a plain desire to vent frantically when life throws a handfull of lemons-- with desperate cry for validation, of course.

I'm a single mom of an almost 13 year old boy who is my everything. I have joint custody with his father, unconventional for some people, I know but it really works most of the time. My son doesn't have to chose between the two people in the world that love him the most and I don't have to raise him without a father.  Deadbeat as he may be. 

I have several really great friends and two best friends. One of which is the subject of a lot of my frustrations and will also be the subject of a lot of my posts here.  I'm a busy person.  Work nights, sleep days.  Evenings are reserved for being domestic and the occasional night out.  I enjoy live music. (Anything red dirt gives me an exciting chill.)  I'm a very musical person.  I sing pretty good but hide it for fear of ridicule.  I believe that every situation in my life deserves background music and on some days, the sound of a particular song can set my heart on fire.

This is my life.  And as crazy as it appears, I love it. 
(background song for the day:  "This is the story of a girl"