May 8, 2011

                          .....I haven't written in a bit so I thought maybe I should....

I had a fantastic Mother's day.  My son and roomate took me fishing. ( Im not great at it but I know how to cast a line and take a fish off the hook. )  Total fish count:  My son = 6,   My roomate= 10,  Me=1.  I think it's a fish conspiracy. 

Plans are going great for Memorial weekend.  I'm so excited!  My ex is going to let my son go with me out of state on HIS weekend.  Yes,  I know it's May and much too cold for snow but I swear it must be snowing in hell because he was actually NICE to me!  I don't get it but I'm not complaining.  This will be the first time in 10 years I've seen my dad's side of the family and only the second time actually getting to meet them.  I'm not sure how exactly I feel about it.  I mean, it was great when I thought we were just gonna go on a camping trip with my sister and maybe 2 of the  brothers but now everything has changed and I have a little anxiety about it, to say the least.  Let me clarify.  For one thing,  I am totally stoked that Ames is going with me!  Secondly, I am excited to see the brothers and sisters.  (there are 10 of us?  or 11?  It's still up in the air) 3.  I need a vacation DESPERATELY! and camping is just my style.  Here's the bad part.  I don't really like my donor dad.  He's not really a bad guy I guess.  I don't know him really and every time I talk to him he just pisses me off more and more the way he TRIES to be my dad when he didn't try 32 years ago when my mom told him she was pregnant.  I know, water under the bridge.... let sleeping dogs lie.....beating a dead horse. Yah yah.  Whatever.  I'm pissed.  I hold grudges.  I grew up an only child in an abusive home and I am pissed that he left me there and never even tried to come find me. 

It's not that I don't want to go because believe me.  It would take a natural disaster to keep me from leaving town on vacation, it's just that I don't really care if I see my donor.  Maybe it makes me a shitty person for thinking, "wow, he has a lake house and i wont have to pay for anything"  but really should I care?  18 years of missed child support, birthdays, christmas, graduation, tooth fairy --- I guess he doesn't OWE me but damnit, he does owe me.  And if he wants to send me money to come down to see him and the others, well it would just be impolite and down right rude of me to not accept.  Right?  Yeah, I'm goin and I'm gonna have fun too.  Does that make me wrong?  Maybe, but I really, don't care.  HA! Put that In your pipe and smoke it, DONOR!!